Jet's Jetlag
by Yann-kun
Summary: Jet has enough of always being mocked by his three comrades and therefore decides to go on vacation. But his trip is not going to be very relaxing...
1. Ticks And Leeches

Inspired by my good friend MyWay (be sure to check out his fan fictions!), I decided to give writing a try myself. I chose Cowboy Bebop, because it is probably my favorite anime. I like the dark and giddy about it, and I love Jazz!

I'm starting to loose tracks, so let me just start with the story. Have fun!

Disclaimer: I have no idea who owns Cowboy Bebop and its characters, I only know: It is not me. (maybe Yutaka Nanten???)

"This" is in speech, 'this' in thought and this is some seamless doing during a sentence.

**Chapter 1: Ticks And Leeches**

------- _Gredan, Mars_ -------

Jet took his account card from the machine, after cashing in his bounty. He was obviously in a very good mood, which was most probably related to the 900'000 Woolongs he had just received. Jet stretched his arms and grinned satisfied.

"Let's get some food first. I haven't eaten in properly months!"

He made his way into the inner city of Gredan and stepped into a nice looking restaurant and ordered land crab, not caring about the price. He remembered some cop with whom he had dealt around Gredan a few years ago, advising him to try the land crab. Actually, it was a rather awful crab he got, but for Jet's taste, ruined from years of his own cooking, it tasted more than delicious: Jet was having the time of his life.

Two hours later Jet entered his pod, the Hammerhead, noticing that he was being haled. It was the Bebop.

"What is it?"

The broad smile of Ed appeared on the screen. She remained smiling, without saying a word for a few seconds. [Author's Note: I know Ed is genderless, but for me, she's female.]

"Ed? What is it, I say?"

Ed was pushed aside by a hand that turned out to be Spike's. She had placed her foot in his face, making it impossible for him to talk.

"Oi, Jet! How was the hunt?"

Jet smiled and signalized his success by lifting his two thumbs up.

Spike smiled back.

"That means you can bring some food! We're starving here!"

Faye's face appeared next to Spike's.

"Did he say food? You're bringing food? Oh great! I'd love to taste the land crab, could you take some along?" Faye asked.

Jet's smile faded.

"Go get your own bounties! I didn't throw you off my ship yet, be grateful for that!" Jet said in a rather pissed voice and switched the communicator off.

"Those damn leeches. They'll get me into the grave some day." he then mumbled, "I really need a break."

With those words he started the engines and took off.

------- _The Bebop_ -------

"He hung up..." Faye said in disbelief.

"Guess he's not bringing food..." Spike answered disappointedly.

"I'm hungry", Ed said and bit into Spike's left ear.

Spike shrieked: "Get off me, I'm no food!"

"Fooooooooooooooooooooooooooood, tasty Spike, tasty Spike, tasty, tasty, tasty, I wanna eat!"

Noticing that Ed had finally gone nuts - let's say, even more nuts – Spike decided it was better to run and hide somewhere, so he hurried and vanished into the other parts of the ship, Ed running after him.

"Leave something for me, once you got him!" Faye shouted after them, then continued to Ein, "Jet's a meany, isn't he? Won't bring food for poor Faye."

Ein barked and bit into Faye's foot.

"Ooow! Let go, let go, you're destroying my precious nails!"

Luckily a shriek of pain from somewhere deep inside the ships body drew Ein's attention. He barked and vanished as well.

Faye looked at her foot. Ein sure had some good teeth. She sat back, closed her eyes, sighed and tried to remember when her stomach had gotten something to deal with for the last time.

The bridge door opened and Jet entered.

"Where's Spike?"

"Playing with Ed.", Faye was greedy.

"Aha.", Jet said placing a shopping bag on the table, "I brought you some food."

Hearing the word 'food', Faye jumped up. One second later, Ed came running, followed by a quite destructed Spike, covered with bites. Jet turned his back in awe, leaving him having to listen to the disgusting noises of three bad educated adults eating while fighting and fighting while eating. 

The noises only lasted for thirty seconds, then the three started to shout.

"Is that all?"

"You're not serious."

"I want moooooooooore."

Jet's expression turned from surprise into anger, from anger into rage and then relaxed again. He turned around and gave the three a glance to remember. Then he started to speak, in the calmest voice:

"I am having enough of this now, and enough of you in particular."

Faye and Spike looked at Jet paralyzed, while Ed quickly took the quart of a sandwich Spike had in his hand, stuffing it into her mouth. He noticed and the three started to fight again.

Jet, having lost the attention, clenched his fist and his whole body vibrated from inner tension.

"LISTEN WHEN I SPEAK TO YOU!"

The three continued fighting.

Jet was about to blow up. Steam came from his nostrils.

'Give me a bounty to beat up, or I'll take one of them...'

He stepped forward, picked Faye and Spike up and shook them hard. Then he repeated, feeling a little better:

"I am having enough of this. And that's why I am going on vacation."

Spike and Faye looked at him surprised.

"Yay, vacation, vacation, sunny beach and sand, Ed likes vacation!"

"I am going on vacation and I am not taking any of you with me.", Jet let Spike and Faye loose, turned around and walked out of the control room.

"Vacation?", Spike and Faye said unisonous.

-------------------- _end of chapter 1_ --------------------


	2. Ganymede Solo

Hello there! Seems you liked chapter 1... even though nothing much happened. But maybe you got curious about what is going to happen, since the plot is starting now.

Disclaimer: One day, when Yutaka Nanten's been dead for 75 years, I can leave this away, but for now: I do not own Cowboy Bebop and its characters... don't blame me, Yutaka was first!

"This" is in speech, 'this' is in thought and this is some seamless doing in a sentence.

**Chapter 2: Ganymede Solo**

------- _The Bebop, Jet's Room_ -------

Jet stepped into his room, the door shut behind him. He exhaled deeply and looked at his collection of bonsai trees.

'I'll tell Ed to take care of them... she'll manage, in contrast to those other two.'

He pulled an old suitcase out of the wardrobe and began putting his stuff in there – in neat and tidy order; underwear for a week, a tent, a handgun, a bottle of whiskey, cigarettes, a pocket-telescope-fishing-pole... when he grabbed his mobile, he thought for a moment, then put it away again.

'No chance, these scumbags won't spoil my vacation.'

In his imagination he was already there. He saw himself, somewhere deep in the woods of a planet he had yet to choose, sitting at a lake, listening to the song of birds and waiting for some fish to bite. Intense warmth spread inside his body at the thought of what a lovely time he will have.

Whistling a tune that came to his mind he closed the suitcase, grabbed his old hat and made his way to the bridge to say goodbye.

------- _The Bebop, Bridge Room_ -------

"Nee, Spike... is Jet serious about this vacation thing?", Faye asked in a bored voice.

Spike was busy treating his wounds. With a piece of bandage in his mouth he mumbled back:

"I gss sow. Jits nt n'to kddn."

"What did you say?"

The door opened and Jet stepped in, his suitcase in the left hand and smiled happily. Everyone – except Ed, who had fallen asleep – looked at him, expecting something to happen.

"I'm just coming round to say goodbye. I'll take the Hammerhead and spent one week on Ganymede. You are grown-ups, you can take care of yourselves. hesitating Alright, Ed's not grown-up, so you two are responsible for her! I wish you all a nice week and see you then!", Jet lifted his hat and walked away to the shuttle bay.

"He is serious.", Faye remarked.

"Told you so."

Faye was on the edge of a serious outburst.

"How can you stay so calm? Jet's the only one who can repair this goddamn shower here! You two useless, lazy bastards won't be of any help! And what shall we eat? You want me to starve? looking at the ceiling Oh my god, what are we ought to dooo. hesitating ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME ALREADY?"

Ed woke up from the noise: "As Jetto-Jetto said, you are grown-ups, you can take care of me. I'm hungry!"

"You were asleep, you can't know about what Jetto-Je... Jet said! And you just ate!", Faye was about to fade.

Spike had meanwhile finished his bandaging, leaned back in the sofa and lighted a cigarette. He let out a deep sigh and thought: 'I'll need a long vacation very soon...'

A blinking light signalized that Jet had departed. Faye, Spike and Ed looked out of the window and followed the Hammerhead with their eyes until it had vanished in the depths of space.

------- _At a lake, somewhere in the woods, Ganymede_ -------

Jet drove the last tent plug into the earth with a heavy punch from his left arm. It was in times like this, when a metal arm provided useful... he had forgotten to bring a hammer.

Jet stood up and looked at his work: a rather twisted tent stood in front of him – you could barely recognize it as a shelter. He had never built one up before, but still he was satisfied with his work.

'I can sleep in it, that's all I want anyways.'

Slowly he walked towards the lake. It was so peaceful and quiet around. The sun of a warm evening was diving the scenery into a deep red, from time to time the water surface was disturbed by some fish catching a mosquito.

Watching this, Jet's stomach began to grumble, but he was longing for something else than mosquitoes. He walked to the tent where he had placed his supplies for the week. Before he came here, he had been to the city to buy some food from a strangely smiling woman who had left her years of beauty behind her long before she was born.

It was too late for fishing, and Jet, respectively his stomach, wasn't able to bring up the patience that was necessary for it. So he grabbed some raw meat from the bag and began to look for a suitable fireplace. It was soon found and to keep the fire in its place, Jet placed stones around it. Jet wanted to pull his lighter out of his pocket - it wasn't there. Next pocket – nothing. Vest pocket – niente. No lighter – no fire...

Jet again calmed himself down and concentrated. He considered this as an obstacle that he was given to make his stay a little more exciting. He smiled and laughed a little: This wouldn't be able to spoil his vacation.

He searched his stuff for some kind of lens and found the cover glass of a broken watch. Satisfied he went over to the fireplace and held the lens over it... but something was wrong. Jet's expression went angry when he noticed, that an essential part of his plan was malfunctioning: the sun had gone down already.

"Curses..."

This way, Jet had to give up and nourish from raw vegetables and bread instead.

After supper, Jet's good mood came back again. He enjoyed the silence of the woods, no strange galaxy scum getting on his nerves... he let out a sigh of relief, reached for the cigarettes in his suitcase, put one in his mouth and... couldn't light it. The lighter problem was still there.

"It's not healthy anyways..."

Night had come, and Jet really wished he had some sort of light, but lacking this he chose to go to bed early. So he crouched into his piece of modern art (entitled: "tent") and lay down.

Satisfaction spread in his heart again. The peace and quiet of the wood was too calming for any discomfort to rise. Jet closed his eyes and wasted a thought on the Bebop crew.

------- _The Bebop_ -------

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKK"

Faye was trying to take a shower again, without success...

Spike switched on the television.

"Amiiiiiigooooooooooo"

"Hello and welcome to Big Shot!" [Author's Note: What did you expect? A soap opera?]

"So? What's on the menu today, Judy?"

"Aiin, we have some big fish today."

"There we go, this is Raoul Duke. He's accused for excessive drug abuse, devastation of several hotel rooms and on his head, we find a whopping TWO MILLION WOOLONGS!"

"And that's not all: If you manage to catch his attorney and colleague Dr. Gonzo, the bounty is DOUBLED!"

"What did you say, Judy? That means, if you get them both, you'll be rewarded with FOUR MILLION WOOLONGS!"

"What are you waiting for, cowboys?"

Spike had seen enough, the bounty had caught his attention.

"Ed?", he shouted, "go online and see if you find something about -"

"Already did....", Ed hacked something into her keyboard, "he was last seen on Ganymede, where he ruined the furniture of a first class suite in the Flamingo Hotel..."

Faye entered the room, her hair wet with ice cold water, her expression ice cold with wrath.

"Oi, Faye, this might cheer you up a bit.", Spike said playfully, "There's a bounty around, bringing us two Million if we get him, maybe even four if we get his comrade as well."

The sound of money left no remains of Faye's wrath; she was on the hunt now:

"Let's get going, I feel like a little fun. Drug addicts are easy targets."

------- _At a lake, somewhere in the woods, Ganymede_ -------

Jet had fallen into a deep and relaxing sleep, so deep and so relaxing that he couldn't realize the lights and voices around the tent.

"Whoa, where the fuck did you bring us, you fat pig?", one voice shouted.

A strange giggling was the only answer.

"Am I hallucinating or is there a giant squid leaning against that tree there?"

"The acid really caught you, man.", another voice stated and continued after a pause "Damn, I see it as well..."

Somebody used a lighter, there was a short silence.

"So what do we do now? I bet they placed a bounty on our fucking heads... did you really have to set the suite on fire?"

"You didn't stop me; you were to busy jumping around the room and pretending to be a frog."

"Shut up. I feel a little hungry. Let's see if the fat squid is edible."

-------------------- _end of chapter 2_ --------------------


	3. Monkey Rock

Hello again, maybe some of you noticed that I took some inspiration – namely the two bounties showing up now – from a very special movie. The idea came sudden, and I guess this is about to be a Cowboy Bebop/Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas crossover!! I hope you like it!

Disclaimer: I do not own Cowboy Bebop, Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas and I do not own two bags of grass, 75 pellets of mescaline..... (for insiders)

"This" is in speech, 'this' is in thought and this is some seamless doing during a sentence.

**Chapter 3: Monkey Rock**

------- _At a lake, somewhere in the woods, Ganymede_ -------

In the tent, Jet had a strange dream. He saw himself diving in the sea, when suddenly a giant squid sneaked up on him, telling him not to burn his suite. When Jet wanted to ask, what it meant, the squid howled in pain and he noticed, that two fat pigs were trying to eat it... Jet jumped forward to help the squid, but the pigs had already eaten it... now they were drinking the water they swam in until suddenly everything collapsed...

Jet woke up, noticing that the tent he slept in had collapsed... he was about to blame his bad tent skills for it, when he noticed that two fat pigs were trying to eat his tent... After shaking his head, the two pigs turned into two very strange figures, crouching around his tent, biting it here and there. One of them found Jet's food supplies:

"Oi, look at this. Somethin' to eat!"

The other guy emitted a strange breathing noise and crawled over to the other one.

"Hmm... let's eat it."

The last traces of sleep had not yet left Jet and since furthermore he was covered by the remains of his tent, he was not fully conscious of what was going on. The only thing he knew for sure was that he wouldn't leave his food supplies to two complete strangers...

"What the hell do you think you are doing?"

"HOLY SHIT!", one of them jumped in surprise, "The squid is talking!"

"Damn, this is serious now!", said the other one, taking something from the pocket of his suit. The other guy hid behind him, whining and mumbling something that Jet could not hear properly.

Jet reached for his gun and cursed when he noticed that he had left it in the Hammerhead. The two seemed dangerous... Jet did not know what to do now.

"What does the squid want, Gonzo?"

"As your attorney I advise you to stay behind me, I think it wants to eat our brains."

"Holy mother of god! more strange mumbling"

Obviously these guys were mistaking Jet under the cover with some kind of giant monster squid... this could prove useful! He had an idea:

"Go away", he said in the squidiest voice he could imagine. (Not that he'd known how a squid's voice sounded, but the men he was dealing with weren't even capable of distinguishing between a giant monster squid and a tent, so how should THEY know how a squid's voice sounded??), "You have infringed the ...erm... territory of ... M... Maxumus, the giant monster squid!"

He listened for a while. The only thing he could hear was the whining of the first one and the heavy breathing of the other... apart from that, the scenery remained completely silent... nobody moved.

Jet decided to threaten them with a spooky move and since the spookiest thing he could imagine that very moment was lifting his arms and saying something intellectual such as "Boooooooooooo", he did so.

Unluckily, raising his arms caused the cover that hid him until then to tumble over and leave Jet exposed to the eyes of everyone.

The two men closed up a bit, examining every inch of Jet's body. 

"This is no giant monster squid!", the one, who had called himself 'attorney' before, concluded, "This... is a giant monster cockroach!"

Inhuman, high pitched noises came from the throat of his companion; it was a mixture of a madman giggling and screams of impulsive panic. He jumped onto the back of his attorney and said, with a shaking voice:

"I hate cockroaches, kill it!"

It didn't take Jet a lot of time to figure out, that his situation was no good at all. He prepared himself for a fight.

Everything went fast now, the knifeman jumped forward, Jet evaded, turned round, and just as he was about to give the guy a punch, he slipped on the covers of the tent, fell over and hit the tree with his head.

Being awoken in the middle of the night, then mistaken for a giant monster squid, for a cockroach and finally knocked out by a tree was simply too much for one night: Jet went unconscious.

"Is it dead?"

------- _The Bebop_ -------

"No, you can not come with us, this is no business for kids!", Spike shouted, shaking his leg which Ed had gotten hold of.

"But Ed doesn't want to stay aloooone on the ship. Please Please Pleaase!"

Faye went past Spike, smiling evilly:

"If you don't mind, I'll go ahead. Have fun playing here!" 

Her evil smile faded, when suddenly Ed attached herself to Faye's leg.

"We're taking you along..."

"Yay yay yay yayyyy!", Ed jumped around the whole room and was still wearing her broad smile when Spike grabbed her in the neck and pulled her into his pod.

"I hate kids."

Before he could close the door, Ein jumped into the pod as well. Spike knew that there was nothing he could do, so he let it be.

"I hate pooches."

"So, now you got your kindergarten aboard, are you ready to lift off?", said Faye through the com.

"I hate tomboys."

"I heard that!"

Spike ducked because he got caught, got kicked by Ed, sighed and answered:

"Ready when you are."

But Faye had already left the bay. Spike cursed and jetted after her. In front of them the huge, blue planet of Ganymede.

'Maybe we'll meet Jet!'

-------_ The Garden Of Eden_ -------

[Author's Note: If you want an advise from me, considering a suitable soundtrack for this scene: "Led Zeppelin – Whole Lotta Love" suits perfectly ]

A monkey sat on a rock... he pulled faces and ate bananas.

Jet looked at the monkey. He'd never seen a live one before.

'What the...'

The monkey's head inflated to the size of the rock he was sitting on, his eyes getting bigger and bigger... suddenly it started to speak:

"Don't believe what you see. This is merely a visualization of your imagination...", the monkey said in a theatrical voice, then continued, quite scared, "don't think of a pink, monkey-eating elephant now, please."

Jet was immediately thinking of a pink, monkey-eating elephant. A second later a pink, monkey-eating elephant came across and ate the monkey. His last words were these:

"I should have known..."

The elephant stood there and chewed on him, looking rather bored.

Jet was happy that he wasn't forced to deal with talking monkeys anymore and took a look around. The floor was looking like a chessboard, with the tiny difference that it was not black and white, but purple and yellow. Looking closer at it, Jet found out, that it was actually grass that had been painted this way.

Then there was the rock that had served as seat for the monkey just a minute before, a burning bush, and a spiral stairway, leading up into the sky.

Jet had no idea how this could work, but as a matter of fact, the elephant walked up this stairway. Jet scratched his head...

'What if his grandma is walking downstairs this very moment?'

A second later the pink, monkey-eating elephant fell down the stairs, because another pink, monkey-eating elephant had pushed him down. Hitting the floor, the elephant broke into a thousand pieces, because he was made of porcelain. This again released the monkey from his stomach, who hastily jumped over to Jet, his eyes wide open and gesticulating heavily.

"You have got to realize that this is all is an illusion! You have to get---"

Jet had thought of the monkey being squished by a huge rock falling from the sky.

Jet felt relieved. He considered the monkey very suspicious and was afraid of him.

'Thank god it's not King-Kong!'

The rock was lifted high into the air, and the monkey was now as tall as a skyscraper... a major threat now.

'Oh crap.'

A voice from far far away said something:

"Did you give the LSD to the giant monster frog???"

'FROG?'

"Godzilla versus King-Kong" was nothing compared to the mind-blowing fight Jet was about to observe...

-------------------- _end of chapter 3_ --------------------


End file.
